3-11-2004 - Funerals and Such

Well.
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The MIL died.

It's sad on several different levels.

She hadn't been well since....well since before the FIL died when the GirlChild was 3 so that's going on 7 years. We saw her at the funeral home today and she looked better than I remember her looking in a long time

She didn't drive so was very dependant on others, primarily the Husband's own PsychoSister.

She was often demanding in that really bad sort of way.

And the last year and a half or so she got mean. She was never mean to me, or to the Husband, but she would say terrible things to the Husband's PsychoSister and to a certain extent to the Husband's DepressedBrother which often made being with them terribly uncomfortable.

We never got very good responses to questions about her medical condition or the medications she was taking. The PsychoSister was defensive, not very articulate and made it clear she didn't want any of our meddling sorts of questions. I remember when the FIL was ill,we got some strange reports about his condition.

I tried to chalk it up to being uneducated and not understanding themselves and they didn't respond well to the questions because it just pointed out how little they understood.

The Husband felt singled out. Like they were intentionally keeping information from him. I'm sure there was an element of that involved too. Information is power. If they didn't call and tell him what was going on, we'd only learn of an emergency after it had occurred, then that gave his PsychoSister some kind of leg up on him.

It sort of reminded me of when we moved in together. The Husband (though he wasn't the Husband then) moved into my house and gave up his apartment and telephone. His Mother and Father found out when they tried to call him and his phone had been disconnected. His Mother called the DepressedBrother (who knew the Husband had moved in with me because he helped him move and spent the weekend with us when the Husband moved in) who suggested she call my house. Information is power.Family dynamics are so complicated.

It was really sad because I think the MIL was just one of those people who just felt like life had shit upon her. She had a lot of that "poor me" attitude about her. I wonder sometimes how the Husband turned out so well.

The MIL had been ill for awhile. I suspect the funeral tomorrow will not be particularly well attended. Most of her friends are already dead and she's been out of circulation for so long due to her illness. I doubt it will be as painfully small as when Grandmother died but chances are pretty good it will be mostly family in attendance.

The Husband and I have been married a long time, but I never knew his parents very well. He had a good relationship with them but there was an undercurrent of hostility there.

The only time I ever even came close to having an argument with them was when the GirlChild was about 4 or 5 months old. They kept her overnight for us and took her in the car without her being strapped in her car seat. I came unhinged at the seams. I think it may be the only time the GirlChild was in the car without being in her car seat or buckled up. The BoyChild has never been in the car without being strapped into his car seat. I think the thing that flabbergasted me the most about that situation was we spent a lot of time putting the car seat in the car, showing them how it worked, having them show us they knew how it worked. When I came unhinged they responded with the typical "we think you are overreacting" sort of responses; we raised three children and never used car seats, nothing happened so why are you so upset, that kind of stuff. Though they never took her in the car without being in her car seat again.

The funeral is tomorrow. Preparing for it did not have auspicious beginnings. The Husband's PsychoSister picked a fight with the Husband which ended when she said "we'll have this funeral when I want to and if it isn't convenient for you then you don't have to come." The Husband hung up on her, sent me to work and sent the GirlChild to school. The fight started because the Husband thought waiting until Monday was too long (she died Tuesday night/Wednesday morning) and the PsychoSister didn't want to have it on Friday because she didn't want her son to miss school. I didn't fully understand her rational but like many things with her I just shrugged my shoulders and asked the Husband what he wanted to do.

I've never really not gotten along with the PsychoSister though I have never been close to her. She is loud and obnoxious without many interests and we have little in common. She is mean to the Husband, which annoys me. Never mean enough to make me get in her face but just mean enough to be shitty and make him feel bad.

In the end, the Husband decided to let her do whatever she wanted to do. We went today to plan the funeral. Planning the funeral seems to have an almost ritual like quality among the Husband's family. Since they let the PsychoSister do what she wanted, I didn't fully understand why the Husband's presence was necessary, but the Husband wanted to be there, so we went. How it came about that we are having the funeral tomorrow, I don't know.

My family, the GirlChild, the BoyChild, the Husband and I have all had our hair cut.

The children have new clothes.

I worried about what to dress the children in. We bought the GirlChild a blue skirt, a light blue sweater and a pair of flowered tennis shoes with ribbons for the laces with a matching headband and socks from the Gap. It's a casual sort of outfit, or would be if I wore it, but she looks cute in it, she likes it and it is comfortable (the skirt has shorts sewn in so she doesn't have to worry about her panties showing).

For the BoyChild we have a pair of navy corduroy pants, a new polo shirt and a new sweat shirt in case it is cold. Not high fashion but he's not yet two and I can't see buying him anything more formal. Since he has fat little feet, which require extra-extra wide shoes which cost more than my shoes, he only has one pair of tennis shoes and we didn't buy anything else for him. My plan is for him to stay in the nursery with the GranMa during the funeral anyway so he won't technically even be there.

The children are already exhausted. The BoyChild has cried out several times since going down about 8:30 tonight. I fear by tomorrow night they will both be a mess.

Saturday the GirlChild is suppose to be a clown in the St. Patrick's day parade. I'm glad they didn't set the funeral for Saturday so the GirlChild didn't have to chose between going to the funeral and taking part in the parade. When they talked about setting it for Saturday, I decided I would support her in whatever she wanted to do and wouldn't make her go to the funeral if she didn't want to. I think the Husband would have understood but I suspect there would have been criticism on many fronts if it had come to that.

Next week is spring break for the GirlChild and the Husband. I intended to take some time off work while they were out of school. I suppose if I work hard this weekend and the first of next week I can still afford to take a day or two off with them but not as much time as I would have liked. Such is life I suppose.

I just keep wondering, "are we having fun yet?"

Peace,

M&Co.

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