The GirlChild Report

Today I took the GirlChild to our neighborhood elementary school to be tested for learning disabilities.

On one hand I'm afraid they'll tell me there is something terribly wrong with her and she will always struggle with her reading and school work and I should just get ready for a long tough haul. On the other hand I'm afraid they'll say there isn't anything wrong with her except for her neurotic mother and if she'd just lighten up everything would be o.k.

I know the truth lies somewhere in between.

The psychologist who tested her said her initial observations were 1) she hurries to get done and makes a lot of mistakes doing that and 2) she has a low tolerance for frustration, if she can't do it immediately, she won't even try. None of that's news to me.

I've learned a lot about her the last few months. She is an auditory learner. She'll remember what she hears better than what she reads. She does well with concrete things; math and spelling come easy to her. She can't seem to reason very well or make logical leaps about things; science and social studies are the most difficult for her. Language Arts falls in between.

One of the concepts she was working on was "basic needs." Food, clothing and shelter are basic needs. Which of the following is a basic need: a sock, a pet, a computer, a deck of cards? She couldn't reason that a sock was clothing, clothing was a basic need so a sock must be a basic need.

I had sharp words with the principal. I also strongly encouraged the other parents who were bitching at soccer practice about having too much home work, not knowing what was going on in the classroom and them allowing the new student in the class to let the principal know they were upset. One of the things she said to me was "you are the only parent who has complained." Like that makes it right. One of the mother's came up to me at the last soccer game and told me she'd gone to see the principal and complained. I've not had a chance to poll any of the others but just with the ones I've talked to more than 20 percent of the parents in that class are unhappy.

This school has a strange environment. At VTS while I wouldn't say we were friends we were friendly, at soccer practice or basketball practice or whenever we were at some function for the children, we'd stand around and talk. Some of us would ride together on field trips. We'd come to the classroom parties. Here the parents never seem to talk. A couple of weeks ago at soccer practice four or five of us who came from VTS sat through practice and talked. I didn't have any idea where any of the other parents were. The coach called a meeting at the end of practice and all these parents started coming out of their cars. They were all people I vaguely recognized but I'd never seen them standing around talking at practice. I don't know what that's about.

She's done better the last few weeks in her school work and on her tests.

We had a meeting with the Principal, the Sylvan Director and the Teacher. We agreed she would redo any papers on which she got less than 80 percent. This was what the GirlChild and I had agreed to. We agreed she would not lose her recess in order to redo her papers. We agreed they would send the teacher's syllabus home and we could keep our own copies of the textbooks at home. I told them I didn't think the GirlChild was really aware we had the textbooks. She still brings her books home whenever she has homework to do. I use the textbooks to make her flash cards.

I've been making her flash cards. They seem to work for her, when I can get her to use them. While she has difficulty reading and comprehending a whole page of material, or pulling out what information is important she seems to be able to read and remember small bits of information. The GirlChild and I talked about it and we agreed by Christmas, she would begin writing the words on the flash cards that I identified for her. By Spring break she will write the words, or concepts, and meanings on both sides of the cards but I'd identify for her what to write. By the end of the year she will try to be able to identify the words and concepts and to write on the cards and write the words and concepts and their definitions on the back.

We are working on making the GirlChild more responsible for her schoolwork and herself.

We tried to begin small. We started by having her write on a 3x5 card everything she had to do in order to get out of the house to leave for school every morning.

_____ Eat breakfast
_____ Do Kumon and correct it
_____ Get dressed
_____ Brush teeth
_____ Pack backpack

I wasn't going to remind her. She is responsible for getting it all done. When she finished everything we could leave for school. If she doesn't pack her backpack and leaves her books, it's her problem. If she doesn't get everything done on time and we're late, it's her problem to deal with.

This has worked well and we've moved onto other aspects of her life with only minor skirmishes and fights.

If she doesn't want to do her homework, she doesn't have to do it. But she also can't do other things she wants to do until it's done. If she has a fit over it and argues with us about some aspect of it, she has to go to her room until she can be nice. If she doesn't get it done, she has to miss her recess. This has worked o.k.

It all came to a head this week. She didn't want to do her homework one night this week. She didn't want to make a list of what needed to be done and she was going to watch TV. She got sent to her room about 7:00 and couldn't get it together long enough to come out and join us for the rest of the evening. She understood that she would miss her recess if she didn't get her homework done.

The next morning she got up and worked on her homework. She came upstairs while I was getting ready for work and told me she was not going to do her Kumon. I reminded her that she knew what she had to get done, and if she didn't, then we couldn't leave for school. She told me that she wasn't going to do her Kumon. I returned her to her room. I had to send her back several times.

She told me at one point that she just wouldn't go to school then if she had to do her Kumon first. I told her that was fine but she would have to stay in her room all day and couldn't come out until Daddy got him which would be when she normally got home. She kind of snickered and said "but you have to go to work." I reminded her I had my laptop computer downstairs and work in my briefcase and I would just call them and tell them I was working from home. She stalked back into her room.

She came out a little while later and told me she was ready to go to school. I asked whether she'd finished her Kumon and she told me she hadn't. I sent her to her room again. She came out and got her Kumon and finished it in about 5 minutes.

We finally started off for school about 30 minutes late. I asked what would happen about her being so late. She told me nothing.

When we got to school she said in this pathetic voice, "Mom, go in with me please." I told her if it had been my fault that she was late, I would go in and explain but since she didn't do what she needed to do in order to get to school on time that she would have to deal with it. She begged a little bit and then dragged herself into school.

When she finally disappeared inside the building, I laid my head on the steering wheel and wanted to cry. I felt sick most of the day. I felt like she was driving off a cliff and I wasn't doing anything to stop her. If she didn't do her homework, she would miss her recess finishing it. It would make her unhappy. She wouldn't learn the material and fall further behind. But I know if I continue to cajole or complain or jolly her along or argue with her, she will never become responsible for it and we'll always fight about it.

That afternoon she went to the BFFEIS's house after school and had soccer practice at 5:00. I normally work a little late and pick her up when practice is over and take her home. I did that night as well and didn't mention the morning incident or the night before. When we got into the car to go home she said, "I'm sorry about last night and this morning, Mom. I don't want to fight anymore." I accepted her apology and finally felt like maybe I'd done something right.

Things have gone along pretty smoothly since. We've been talking a lot about her being responsible for herself and making decisions for herself. She's testing me on this.

The other night she said she didn't want to take a shower. I said "don't you need to wash your hair?" It looked awful and stringy and greasy. She said "no." And then she said "and I want to wear this to sleep in." It was a dirty tee shirt and the modesty shorts she wears under her uniform. I asked if she intended to take off her shoes and she said she thought she would. I tucked her into bed and tried not to be grossed out.

The next morning she told me she wanted to wear a jumper to school. She only has two and I thought she'd already worn them both that week. She pulled a jumper and a shirt out of the dirty clothes and said she was going to wear them. I cringed but just said "o.k. I hope no one notices it's dirty and makes fun of you." She didn't think they would, and I guess they didn't because she didn't mention it to me that evening.

We were laying on my bed talking tonight and she told me she thought she needed an alarm clock

"How come?"
"So I can get myself up in the morning."
"What kind of clock do you need?"
"A Sponge Bob Square Pants alarm clock."
"Where do you think we can get one of those?"
"I'll bet we can find one at SuperTarget."

That's my girl!

Peace,
M&Co.